Cut My Heart Out
by delusionofcontrol
Summary: Growing friendship and stronger feelings kept inside.


The sun's starting to set and people are walking back and forth and cars going different directions. A black elegant car stopped at the other side of the street across the restaurant. Beca noticed a man got out of it and opened the door at the other side. She watched as Aubrey got out of her date's car. She just stared outside the glass window wondered if her friend had a good time. She looked away when she sensed that they're going to kiss. She never really knew if they hugged or kissed. She just looks away instantly when something like those are about to happen. She doesn't want to witness it. It gives her a slight headache and her heart races whenever this happens. It gives her feels that she didn't want to have.

This is always the routine. Aubrey goes out with someone and Beca waits for her and they'll talk about their days, but mostly about the blonde's date. They've been closer, which neither of them expected. Moments later, Aubrey enters the restaurant and looks for the DJ. She spots her at the window and approaches her friend.

"Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting." The older woman gives Beca an apologetic look as she sat down across her.

"It's fine. I got out of work early so I went straight here." The DJ smiled and glanced out of the window.

"Have you ordered?" The blonde asked as she looked inside her bag.

"Not yet. I figured that you ate already." Aubrey shot up to the brunette and furrowed her brows.

"I haven't. I always save dinners with you, remember?" She waved at a waitress and looked back to Beca. She studied her and she seems quiet. Before she had the chance to ask the brunette, the waitress came and gave them the menu. They gave her their orders and she left.

"So how's your date? What was his name again?"

"He's James, the junior associate from dad's firm. Our date's fine. We had lunch and had a walk in the park. We talked but nothing's interesting. He's good but I don't feel him. At least he's not a jerk like the others before." The DJ listened intently and raised a brow at the statement. That was new. Usually, her friend rants about her date but she noticed Aubrey's calm and not tensed like the past dates.

"You seem okay about it. How come you're not ranting?"

"I'm just getting bored with these fixed dates. I haven't really found someone who's worth my time. I'm tired of telling the same things all over and having wasted times out with someone. It's becoming a cycle."

"Then why do you still continue it? You can just stop if you want and just tell your dad that you're not interested anymore." Aubrey looks outside the window and sighs.

"I just have to." She shrugs. The food came and they started eating in silence. Aubrey's not used to this kind of atmosphere with Beca. Her usual dinners with Beca are full of stories about their work or any random things. Beca usually tells her about her new mixes and ideas or gives sarcastic remarks about the blonde's statements.

They still chatted in between their meal but it ends awkwardly silent. They billed out and walked out of the restaurant, with Aubrey behind Beca. The blonde got worried and tried to pull the brunette's arm.

"Beca, are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay. Why?" She forced a smile but Aubrey didn't buy it.

"Don't lie to me. You don't look okay." The blonde glared at her friend, looking annoyed.

"Then why ask me if you knew I wasn't?" Beca snapped at the older woman. She took away her arm from the blonde's grip and stepped back. Aubrey's surprised by her sudden change of expression and action.

"I-I just want to hear it from you. I want to know why."

"You want to hear it from me? Okay, I'll tell you. I'm not okay. I'm never okay! It's never okay because everything's just so messed up right now! I can't take it, Aubrey. Your smile, your touch, the way you move and talk to me, the way you care and look at me, they're just too much! You give me feels that I didn't know I'd feel. All of those make me happy like I'm lost in somewhere I didn't know existed. But then at the end of the day, I'm just so crushed. I just feel lonely that I don't know how to make myself alright for the next day or moment with you. I feel far beyond sad that those things you do and my feelings are just nothing. They're nothing because I know that you do those because you care for me as a friend. And I shouldn't even think of that."

"I shouldn't think too much of my friend. And I can't even stop the thought that I'm just a friend who's watching you go out with other guys and see you happy with them. The worst thing with that is to see you cry because of them not treating you as you should be and I'll be the one to comfort you. They do not see your real worth Aubrey! Aren't you getting tired of being left behind and mistreated? Because I'm tired of telling you that everything's going to be okay but it's not. I'm tired of getting hurt when you're hurt. You see, I really can't do anything. Even though I wanted to be in their place, I can't. You don't notice me like how I notice you. I'm just left here waiting for you, waiting for something to happen. But that's so stupid of me right? I always wait while I'm not really doing anything to make something happen. I-I just don't know how to do it. I'm scared that if I tell you this, you'll walk away. I don't want to risk something beautiful. You're one of the greatest things that happened to my life, Aubrey and I don't want to lose you. But these feelings are just too much and they're killing me inside."

The brunette cried and tried to wipe her tears, but they just kept on flowing. She turned, not trying to look at Aubrey, and walked away quickly. Aubrey's left there standing, shocked of what happened. It began to rain but she didn't move. She tried to process what happened and she felt hollow inside, like something had gone missing and suddenly she felt pain in her chest. She watched the brunette from afar and didn't notice that she's been crying too. She fell down on her knees and sobbed as the one she loved walked away.


End file.
